i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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