youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Tell her she can't have a vagina
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
third nipple confirmed
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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