This is not my ceiling
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
