I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
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