Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
