the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize