just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
