I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Randomize
