I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
