she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
