The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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