he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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