I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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