I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
