that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
