Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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