Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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