If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
