Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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