Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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