Ambien. No doubt about it.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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