there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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