I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
