plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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