That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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