Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
