i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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