I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
