Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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