He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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