i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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