my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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