don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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