I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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