nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
