take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
