I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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