She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
