He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
