wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
