My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Let's get the cat blown out
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
