I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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