What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
