haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
