I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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