my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize