There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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