Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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