you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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