I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
