I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
