omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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