I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
