This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
