i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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