we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Randomize
