2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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