Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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