I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
