Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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